Wednesday, May 2, 2012

Book Sequels That Never Made It: Part One


The long awaited Hunger Games was released in theaters last month and has done well so far. The novel, turned into big screen hit has shared success with the rest of the books in its series, however not all series have been as lucky. Until now these novel outcasts have been stashed away in hiding, found only deep within the confines of libraries and bookstores.  Today the staff here exposes these flops for the failure that they are.

Running with Pitchforks – The long awaited sequel to Running with Scissors entered a realm of moving violence too treacherous for even the most excessive of risk takers, falling far short of reader’s expectations. Shortly after the book’s release, publishers realized the error they made and quickly brought a third book to market, Running With Staplers in an attempt to capture a genre of readers that were interested in office supplies books. They were dead wrong. It turns out it was the running as well as the scissors that attracted fans. Nothing more, nothing less.    

The Kite Walker – Despite the highly anticipated follow up to The Kite Runner, ultimately no one wanted to see anyone walk their kite. After the failed attempt at recreating the highly acclaimed first novel, The Kite Trotter and Kite Tip-Toer also fell short on critics’ lists.

The Lord of the Things – The fourth novel in The Lord of the Rings series failed to meet reader expectations, appearing to be even more vague that the first three books, despite an attempt at broadening the plot. The first three books were about a single ring, so basically nothing, yet  somehow mesmerized readers  enough to waste hundreds of hours reading about a single object.  If they read that many pages about a stupid ring, think how long of a book we could write about things in general, the publisher of the book thought to himself. Readers were enthralled at the idea in pre-production, however once the 9,133 page book finally came out, Freudo was like a six-year old with ADHD at a video game store, hoarding as many things as he could get his hands on. At the end of the book he found himself protecting his loot at a trailer home somewhere in Alabama until the TV show Hoarders finally tracked him down and made him realize the errors of his ways. The book ends with one of the show’s cameramen removing a life-size George Michael cardboard cutout, and from behind it emerges that guy from Rudy and his hobbit fried Mary. 

The Ordinary Gatsby – Writers argued for months about whether to make another book about Gatsby or one simply about another great protagonist, but when push came to shove they thought that Gatsby was the proof in their pudding. Alas, they were deemed wrong when they learned it wasn’t Gatsby that stole reader’s hearts at all. It was his greatness. The Average Gatsby, The Decent Gatsby, and The Normal Gatsby also failed miserably at the book stores. 

Check back tomorrow for more books that you didn't know existed. When you are made aware, you'll be sure to run to your local Borders to locate, failing to realize the company folded; most likely because of these epic failures.


2 comments:

BLT said...

Lord of the Things was Tolken's greatest creation. An epic tale that was far unappreciated by the tweenage following of those three uninspiring solo object novels.

Steve said...

well said BLT!