Thursday, May 3, 2012

Book Sequels That Never Made It: Part Two

Continued from yesterday... Book Sequels that never made it...

nope, just not doing it for me

The Girl with the Squirrel Tattoo – Few have even heard of this novel, but before The Girl Who Played with Fire, and The Girl Who Kicked The Hornet’s Nest followed up The Girl With The Dragon Tatoo, there was this botched sequel. It didn’t take long for publishers to realize that squirrels, despite their propensity to spread bubonic plague, weren’t as menacing as they thought. They also make weak tattoos. 

The StationaryThe Notebook was a tearjerker that broke the hearts of many, but the follow up to this love story was nowhere close to the original. No one at CVS could be reached for comment after the flop hit bookstores, but rumor has it corporate knew all along that notebooks are far and away the preferred choice in their paper aisle. In addition, where the prequel focused more on the main character’s journey of love together, this follow up focused on nothing more than a spiral bounded stationary.

Gone with the Breeze – We should’ve seen this coming. It was hard enough as it was to believe that any human would disappear simply with a gust of wind, so a breeze seems even more unlikely. Writers underestimated incredulous readers and their cockiness got the best of them here. Before putting this to print, they tossed around the idea of Gone with the Tornado or We think they’re gone, but they might just be missing with the Cyclone, but opted for the gentler version of moving air. Bad call. 

Even though he could make a mean
omelet, his breakfast never caught on

Breakfast at Mauricio’s – Let face it, no one wants to eat breakfast at a sleazy, hairy-chested, sweaty brutes house in the morning. Tiffany graced us all at our breakfast tables, stealing our hearts in the process, but Mauricio became the poster slob for anyone trying to lose weight by starving themselves. Once you read this book you’ll be ninety times more likely to skip a morning meal. 

Minimal Expectations – I think the initial approach here was to hit the market of people who look at the world half empty but they failed miserably when they realize most of those people don’t read. Good Expectations did a little bit better but that is only because it was written as a European, risqué, trashy sex novel where the women expected very little from their male counterparts. Both failed to duplicate the historical classic, Great Expectations.

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Wednesday, May 2, 2012

Book Sequels That Never Made It: Part One

The long awaited Hunger Games was released in theaters last month and has done well so far. The novel, turned into big screen hit has shared success with the rest of the books in its series, however not all series have been as lucky. Until now these novel outcasts have been stashed away in hiding, found only deep within the confines of libraries and bookstores.  Today the staff here exposes these flops for the failure that they are.

Running with Pitchforks – The long awaited sequel to Running with Scissors entered a realm of moving violence too treacherous for even the most excessive of risk takers, falling far short of reader’s expectations. Shortly after the book’s release, publishers realized the error they made and quickly brought a third book to market, Running With Staplers in an attempt to capture a genre of readers that were interested in office supplies books. They were dead wrong. It turns out it was the running as well as the scissors that attracted fans. Nothing more, nothing less.    

The Kite Walker – Despite the highly anticipated follow up to The Kite Runner, ultimately no one wanted to see anyone walk their kite. After the failed attempt at recreating the highly acclaimed first novel, The Kite Trotter and Kite Tip-Toer also fell short on critics’ lists.

The Lord of the Things – The fourth novel in The Lord of the Rings series failed to meet reader expectations, appearing to be even more vague that the first three books, despite an attempt at broadening the plot. The first three books were about a single ring, so basically nothing, yet  somehow mesmerized readers  enough to waste hundreds of hours reading about a single object.  If they read that many pages about a stupid ring, think how long of a book we could write about things in general, the publisher of the book thought to himself. Readers were enthralled at the idea in pre-production, however once the 9,133 page book finally came out, Freudo was like a six-year old with ADHD at a video game store, hoarding as many things as he could get his hands on. At the end of the book he found himself protecting his loot at a trailer home somewhere in Alabama until the TV show Hoarders finally tracked him down and made him realize the errors of his ways. The book ends with one of the show’s cameramen removing a life-size George Michael cardboard cutout, and from behind it emerges that guy from Rudy and his hobbit fried Mary. 

The Ordinary Gatsby – Writers argued for months about whether to make another book about Gatsby or one simply about another great protagonist, but when push came to shove they thought that Gatsby was the proof in their pudding. Alas, they were deemed wrong when they learned it wasn’t Gatsby that stole reader’s hearts at all. It was his greatness. The Average Gatsby, The Decent Gatsby, and The Normal Gatsby also failed miserably at the book stores. 

Check back tomorrow for more books that you didn't know existed. When you are made aware, you'll be sure to run to your local Borders to locate, failing to realize the company folded; most likely because of these epic failures.

Tuesday, April 17, 2012

The Full Games :This time we're playing with a full stomach...

Just when you thought it was safe to open up your email and these blogs were done; like that they return. And like the child who showed up on your doorstep wearing a sombrero and a t-shirt that says Cancun Spring Break 2006, they won’t be going away. 

The Hunger games was finally released in theaters, but I’ll be honest, I’m not even that hungry for them. My Mom always told me not to play games on an empty stomach so I went ahead and ate. It’s not my fault these other participants weren’t fortunate to have a Mom concerned about their nutritional intake. 

Despite immediately sniffing each other’s rears at every chance they get, I still feel it's important for most dogs to maintain a reputation socially. When they see another dog heading in their direction with one of those huge collars on their neck that prevents them from chewing off their own fur, it probably goes something like this:

Dog #1’s mind without plastic collar: Oh god here is another one, ok don’t look at him, don’t look at him, stop looking at him, what are you doing, oh son of a dog bone, I can’t stop looking he looks ridicule-

Dog #2: Look away, look away, I’m hideous, oh god, please look awa-

Dog #1: “Oh hi Rex, how are the bitch and pups?”

Dog #2: (sheepishly) "Great, good, well, see ya"

Dog #1: That was awkward

So Apple came out with its new iPad this month. Despite everyone already having an iPhone, iPod, iPad, and whatever else, can we justifiably say that Apple can literally come out with any product at this point and slap an i in front of it and make millions? They could literally sell an Apple.

“So what is this product here?”

“That is my apple I brought in for my lunch”

“Wow that sounds great, I will take it. How much?”

Apple releases its long awaited new
product; an apple. 
“Sir that is literally an apple.”

“Sounds great. $200 it is.  I’ll take your iTUNA, and iBANANA too, unless you think there will be a software update on them anytime soon.”

“There will be?”

“Doesn’t matter, I’ll take them.” 

And why is it that the iTunes disclosures are longer than the one you have to sign when you go sky diving? Since you have to download a new version every fifteen days anyway, is it necessary to have 32 pages of disclosures? Is a flesh eating virus going to pop out of my laptop once I download and they feel the need to legally protect themselves from such an apocalyptic abomination? Jesus, I’ll just go bungee jumping over crocodile infested waters instead of downloading new software; probably a whole lot safer.


We get it, you're a big deal
Why is it that a Mahi Mahi feels so self righteous that it thinks it deserves two names? What other sea creature is so vain that in needs to be said twice? You don’t see a Swordfish Swordfish, Salmon Salmon, or Scallop Scallop on sale at the market so what makes Mahi Mahi so special?  I’ll be honest, I’m sick of its attitude. 

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