Calvin Humpernickle, Town Drunk, Blacksmith and Science Correspondent
Published December 24, 2010
Who-Ville - Every Who down in Who-Ville likes Christmas a whole lot, and now after years of experimental treatments using donor stem cells we can also say that the lone resident of North Who-Ville likes Christmas a whole lot too.
A Who-Ville team led by the world’s leading yodeler, who works part time as a heart surgeon, were able to regenerate and grow heart tissue for the very first time. Known mostly for his sensational hits: Ain’t Nothing But a Yodel Thang, ”Yodel Style, ” and “Ain’t No Fun (If My Yodelers Can’t Have None), ” Hans Slaperdoodle has worked over twenty minutes per day for the past seven days attempting to tackle what medical journals, had they actually returned the stalker-esque number of phone calls, or opened the door to see some kook standing outside with a notepad and a pocket tape recorder, would have called a modern science miracle.
Growing replacement tissue from stem cells is one of the principal goals of biology. So far, scientists have grown tendons, cartilage and an ear coming off the head of a mouse which served no medical purpose whatsoever , but forced that mouse into a life of despair, ridicule, and solitude… until he was eventually seen suspiciously wandering near some local mouse traps, high on cat nip.
"First we tried using stem cells from a rooster, an ocelot and even a rubber chicken, but then Larry Shantzamuffin (fellow researcher and shower curtain ring salesman) accidentally dropped part of his turkey sandwich into the Petri dish, and then all this fizzing and such started happening," Slaperdoodle added, when describing how this miraculous discovery happened.
This is not the first time Grinch has been in the news. Born with a heart two sizes too small, and with a hatred for Christmas his entire life, The Grinch had finally had enough. In 1991, after gluing antlers onto his dog Max, ignoring threats from PETA advising against it, The Grinch made his way down the treacherous mountainside and ransacked the town of Who-Ville, stealing everything from pop guns, bicycles, checkerboards, and The Hills, Season 4”DVD’s.
"All I know is that morning I woke up, went downstairs; you know the usual routine, and that son of a bitch took all our gifts including my ‘89 swimsuit edition I keep hidden behind the cupboard," an obviously agitated Slaperdoodle exclaimed.
Word spread like wildfire all the way to the North Pole, and once the news hit, it was the gregarious Prancer that spilled the Christmas cookies regarding developments there. “We already have the science to give every Reindeer a red nose but selfishly Rudolph has fought us tooth and hoof,”” said Prancer. "In my opinion, if it wasn’t for that foggy Christmas Eve, that egocentric future wall mount still wouldn’t be playing any Reindeer games."
So what’s next for The Grinch and his new heart?
"I’m going to do a little traveling. Maybe West Who-Ville, Who-Ville Depot, Who-Ville & Beyond if there’s enough time, who knows?"” responded The Grinch, “"I’m starting to see life in a whole different way… seeing things I’ve never noticed be… Holy shit! I’m not wearing any freakin’’ pants!"
Email Calvin at firstname.lastname@example.org