Sunday, November 7, 2010

"Volume XVI"

Welcome to another long awaited, but not very anticipated version of the blog. For those who have forgotten what this blog is about, don’t fret. I have no clue either. If anyone out there reading can figure it out please email me and let me know. I have heard it is a better read right after something else incredibly boring like the back of the vomit bag on an airplane for example. In addition, if you just recently learned the English language and don’t realize that this is incongruous, drool-inducing, nonsense, then that is a good time as well.

On that note, on to the write up …

Are toilet technology experts (not a real profession, sorry aspiring youngsters) getting any closer to mastering these auto-flush toilets? They’re either auto flushing too much, or not at all. If Apple can come out with a music player the size of a stick of gum, can’t toilet makers come out with a toilet that doesn’t give me three surprise enemas every time I move a centimeter to the right or left on the seat?

It’s probably a bad sign that my bottle opener key chain has completely worn down to the point where it no longer functions properly. This thing is made from the strongest metal money can buy, impervious to a military tank driving over it, yet I’ve managed to open so many beers it has met its inauspicious demise.

Ever notice when you go to cook something, it always gives you two options for instructions: Oven and microwave? For a second you always think, wow, I should really cook this in the oven, I know that is how it is meant to be cooked, but then you read the different time estimations and it is something like this:

Oven: 45 -50 minutes
Microwave: 4 minutes

Even Rachel Ray, or the top cooking go-getters out there can’t be buying what this oven method is selling are they?
This is basically what should be written on my Pizza Rolls, because this is generally how it goes…

Oven Instructions:
1) Pre-heat oven to 425 (15 minutes)
2) Come back 15 minutes later to realize you only turned on the temperature knob and not set on “Bake” (15 more minutes)
3) Look for baking sheet (10 minutes)
4) Realize you don’t own a baking sheet, so you have to knock on your neighbor’s door who comes out wearing only a sock over his penis and smoking a cigar. (7 awkward minutes)
5) Take baking sheet back to your apartment (2 minutes)
6) Place call to your therapist to attempt to recover from what you’ve just seen (20 minutes)
7) Place on cooking sheet (1 min)
8) Cook for 16 minutes or until golden brown
Look, Sara Lee, this is your recipe, if you don’t have one-hundred percent confidence in your 16 minute estimate, then how should I? I live next to a guy wearing a penis sock. I’m looking to you for help here. Tell you what, how about you go back to your little lab and perfect this estimate until you are fully confident. I don’t want to be sticking my hand into a piping hot oven to see if these freakin’ Pizza rolls are brown. And golden brown? How do I tell if they’re golden brown as opposed to brown, considering they were brown when they went in, in the first place?

9) Take out of oven using oven mitt – look for oven mitt (5 minutes)
10) Realize you don’t own any oven mitts – 2 minutes
11) Go back to your neighbors and ask for oven mitt – 3 minutes
12) He doesn’t have any either, but he offers his sock – 3 minutes
13) Vomit profusely in his petunias – 13 minutes
14) He says he’s kidding and hands you an oven mitt
15) Go back and remove your pizza rolls
16) Let cool for 15 minutes (just so you can sit there and smell the pizza rolls as you keel over in hunger)
17) You are so hungry and delusional staring at the rolls, you start eating the oven mitt – 3 minutes
18) You realize where the oven mitt came from and come to the sobering conclusion that you have no idea what your neighbor has been doing with his oven mitts
19) Vomit in your own petunias – 6 minutes
20) Eat one of the pizza rolls unwilling to wait the entire 15 minute cooling process to end
21) Burn off a portion of your uvula
22) Scream like a little girl at a Jonas Brothers concert – 30 seconds

23) Use large spatula and loosen one by one – 10 minutes
24) Enjoy! (Go F yourself Betty Crocker)

Total cooking/preparation time: 2 hours 41 minutes

Microwave Instructions:
1) Place in Microwave (5 seconds)
2) Turn on Microwave (2 minutes)
3)Remove from Microwave (1 second)

Enjoy! (How do you like them apples Betty Crocker?)

Total cooking/preparation time: 3 minutes

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Thanks for nothing Betty