Thursday, November 5, 2009

"Volume XIV"


After being bombarded by requests outside a local market to contribute to different causes I stopped to think, where is all this money going, and how in God’s name do we not have more cures for these things? Millions of dollars have been donated but yet, we’re still left with unsolved treatments for hundreds of diseases. Are these researchers sitting back and collecting paychecks, content to be always just on the cutting edge of discovery, instead of actually finding a final treatment? Wouldn’t it be a better idea to put this in the hands of, I don’t know someone who is a bit more motivated? Like for example take a couple of sixteen-year old virgin boys, hot on the trail of a young virgin girl, not satisfied with being on the edge of adolescent celibacy. Instead of just getting lucky with a girl dumb enough to succumb to these boys’ meager attempts at sex, why not make it a little harder? How about we make it a requirement to cure a rare genetic disorder, or Parkinson’s or something before you get to de-cherry one of these young maidens? You put twenty horny teenagers in a room with the internet, a few test tubes, and a couple different fruits from the rainforest with a picture of a sexy co-ed virgin on the overhead projection as the reward and you’d have a hand shoot up in five minutes - “I’ve got it, cure for cancer right here, I’ve got it.”

Can it just be assumed that every animal with antlers or horns cannot be put into a plural? Deer, Moose, Antelope, etc.? Cows have none of the aforementioned and thus we can refer to them as cows, however a group of antelope is singular. Why can’t we say that is one great group of cow? I guess “Home on the range where the cow and the wildebeest play,” does sound a bit off. These are the things that keep me up at night, but note it, antlers, not plural, no antlers, plural, I think I got it down…

Who got the idea in their head that it was ok to post a portion of their body and post it as a picture of themselves on MySpace or Facebook? Some even use them for their profile pictures! “…Mom, Dad, I want to show you a picture of the girl I met and in love with… “…Son, call me ole fashioned but that actually looks like an elbow, taken with a really crappy camera phone and a mirror...” “…I know isn’t she lovely?” Look ladies, I’m all for a picture of a breast but I do like a breast on an actual person. I mean sure it will keep you warm at night, but it doesn’t work as your profile picture…

If anyone reading has a young child, I hope to God you don’t think it is cute to use them on your outgoing voicemail. I’ve concluded that the best way for callers to think your kid is a mental retard is to have them attempt to record that you are unavailable and that you’ll call them back, while all the while you are prompting them in the background and laughing. Can’t we just have these poor kids stick to blocks and fuzzy farm animal books and leave the outgoing voicemail recordings to people that, I don’t know, have already learned the English language?