Thursday, May 3, 2012

Book Sequels That Never Made It: Part Two

Continued from yesterday... Book Sequels that never made it...

nope, just not doing it for me

The Girl with the Squirrel Tattoo – Few have even heard of this novel, but before The Girl Who Played with Fire, and The Girl Who Kicked The Hornet’s Nest followed up The Girl With The Dragon Tatoo, there was this botched sequel. It didn’t take long for publishers to realize that squirrels, despite their propensity to spread bubonic plague, weren’t as menacing as they thought. They also make weak tattoos. 

The StationaryThe Notebook was a tearjerker that broke the hearts of many, but the follow up to this love story was nowhere close to the original. No one at CVS could be reached for comment after the flop hit bookstores, but rumor has it corporate knew all along that notebooks are far and away the preferred choice in their paper aisle. In addition, where the prequel focused more on the main character’s journey of love together, this follow up focused on nothing more than a spiral bounded stationary.

Gone with the Breeze – We should’ve seen this coming. It was hard enough as it was to believe that any human would disappear simply with a gust of wind, so a breeze seems even more unlikely. Writers underestimated incredulous readers and their cockiness got the best of them here. Before putting this to print, they tossed around the idea of Gone with the Tornado or We think they’re gone, but they might just be missing with the Cyclone, but opted for the gentler version of moving air. Bad call. 

Even though he could make a mean
omelet, his breakfast never caught on

Breakfast at Mauricio’s – Let face it, no one wants to eat breakfast at a sleazy, hairy-chested, sweaty brutes house in the morning. Tiffany graced us all at our breakfast tables, stealing our hearts in the process, but Mauricio became the poster slob for anyone trying to lose weight by starving themselves. Once you read this book you’ll be ninety times more likely to skip a morning meal. 

Minimal Expectations – I think the initial approach here was to hit the market of people who look at the world half empty but they failed miserably when they realize most of those people don’t read. Good Expectations did a little bit better but that is only because it was written as a European, risqué, trashy sex novel where the women expected very little from their male counterparts. Both failed to duplicate the historical classic, Great Expectations.

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Wednesday, May 2, 2012

Book Sequels That Never Made It: Part One

The long awaited Hunger Games was released in theaters last month and has done well so far. The novel, turned into big screen hit has shared success with the rest of the books in its series, however not all series have been as lucky. Until now these novel outcasts have been stashed away in hiding, found only deep within the confines of libraries and bookstores.  Today the staff here exposes these flops for the failure that they are.

Running with Pitchforks – The long awaited sequel to Running with Scissors entered a realm of moving violence too treacherous for even the most excessive of risk takers, falling far short of reader’s expectations. Shortly after the book’s release, publishers realized the error they made and quickly brought a third book to market, Running With Staplers in an attempt to capture a genre of readers that were interested in office supplies books. They were dead wrong. It turns out it was the running as well as the scissors that attracted fans. Nothing more, nothing less.    

The Kite Walker – Despite the highly anticipated follow up to The Kite Runner, ultimately no one wanted to see anyone walk their kite. After the failed attempt at recreating the highly acclaimed first novel, The Kite Trotter and Kite Tip-Toer also fell short on critics’ lists.

The Lord of the Things – The fourth novel in The Lord of the Rings series failed to meet reader expectations, appearing to be even more vague that the first three books, despite an attempt at broadening the plot. The first three books were about a single ring, so basically nothing, yet  somehow mesmerized readers  enough to waste hundreds of hours reading about a single object.  If they read that many pages about a stupid ring, think how long of a book we could write about things in general, the publisher of the book thought to himself. Readers were enthralled at the idea in pre-production, however once the 9,133 page book finally came out, Freudo was like a six-year old with ADHD at a video game store, hoarding as many things as he could get his hands on. At the end of the book he found himself protecting his loot at a trailer home somewhere in Alabama until the TV show Hoarders finally tracked him down and made him realize the errors of his ways. The book ends with one of the show’s cameramen removing a life-size George Michael cardboard cutout, and from behind it emerges that guy from Rudy and his hobbit fried Mary. 

The Ordinary Gatsby – Writers argued for months about whether to make another book about Gatsby or one simply about another great protagonist, but when push came to shove they thought that Gatsby was the proof in their pudding. Alas, they were deemed wrong when they learned it wasn’t Gatsby that stole reader’s hearts at all. It was his greatness. The Average Gatsby, The Decent Gatsby, and The Normal Gatsby also failed miserably at the book stores. 

Check back tomorrow for more books that you didn't know existed. When you are made aware, you'll be sure to run to your local Borders to locate, failing to realize the company folded; most likely because of these epic failures.