Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Un-Enthralling Epiphanies Part V

Welcome to another edition of the blog. This entry is a continuation of yup, you guessed it- 1,2,3 & 4which you can read at

Now that I’m thirty, I notice a plethora of commercials that never caught my eye in the past. If I did notice, they always induced a smirk, chuckle or witty comment spraying levity in all directions of the older demographic. At thirty, I’m starting to pay more attention.

Everyone has seen the commercials for Viagra, Cialis and whatever other erection-inducing stimulant drug company has shown up tardy to the dance to put more spark back in ones’ love life; but it isn’t those that have me concerned.

I’m talking about the ones that show a group of older men doing completely normal activities for sixty-somethings like kayaking while also ice fishing, cycling through the Grand Canyon while juggling anvils, or Windsurfing while playing chess at the same time, all because the drug Flomax allowed them to. Are these the normal activities guys in their sixties are participating in these days? Until a few months ago, I had no idea what Flomax actually did, and I also was credulous to the idea that men over sixty watched the stock market and played croquet.

Apparently Flomax helps with urination ; either more urination, or less urination, and I really don‘t feel like researching further. One thing I have figured out however, is that my future is going to consist of frequent hell-raising activities with my older buddies, and a steady diet of constant urination issues. (Or at least that is what Flomax wants me to think, so I rush to my local pharmacy hot on the trail of urination relief). I’m not sure what’s more depressing to think about; the urination, or the Brokeback-esque camping trips that appear to be in my future.

If you’ve never seen these commercials, then you are probably the target audience and Flomax is likely for you. This would mean you have likely been too busy urinating in the bathroom during NFL Football games or Man vs. Wild on Discovery which apparently the only two programs men with urination issues watch these days.

Ok, so you’re thinking, I too would like to reduce my urination, but what’s the catch? While Viagra and Cialis recommend consulting your Doctor when an erection lasts for a certain length of time, Flomax has somehow managed to create a drug with side effects that require consultation of a professional only at the notice of one thing : a loss of semen. Loss of semen? Really? How would one determine if one is experiencing a loss of semen, and is that necessarily a negative outcome? And does the Doctor really want to know this information? And once this symptom is diagnosed, what would be the proper solution to the problem? A guy who is saving lives every day, needs to have this image in his mind about ones’ semen loss when he goes home at night? How would that call to your Doctor go exactly?

“Dr. Johnson’s Office.” “Uh, yes, er, is Dr. Johnson there?”

“I’m the receptionist what seems to be the problem sir? I’ll pass the info along to the Doctor.”

“You know what, if you could just tell him I’m experiencing a loss of semen that would really be super, I’m supposed to uh-"

“Sir what did you say to me? You better watch your mouth.”

“You know what, nevermind, I’ll uh, call back…”

After Doctor’s diagnosis :

“Well Jerry, you’re right. You are experiencing a loss of semen, although we really can’t be too sure of it and to be honest this is all a little awkward, to say the least. Ok well … now that we’ve diagnosed it, I‘m going to need you to take two aspirins a day and, well, lets see…elevate your penis, and - you know what? Screw it… we really have no idea what to do here, how‘s a lollipop sound?”


If you’re a male actor, Viagra commercials have to be the most demoralizing acting gig you will ever land. It is always some decent looking chick, her summer dress waving in the wind elatedly dancing because she will finally be satisfied as her dejected husband is in the background dolefully skipping rocks. How is any washed up actor supposed to score chicks after singing a two minute guitar riff about how he can’t get it up? Maybe if the guy spent more time figuring out how to satisfy his lady and less time singing Elvis songs about getting boners with four other middle-aged dudes, he wouldn’t be skipping rocks in the first place. (Makes you appreciate country songs about dying dogs and pick-up trucks a lot more)

While Flomax has you contacting your Doctor due to semen loss, Viagra has you contacting your Doc for an erection lasting more than four hours. But isn’t that the idea?? I don’t go see my opium dealer when the stuff lasts thirty minutes longer than its supposed to, I simply consider that one helluva great deal. The Mayans didn’t sacrifice lambs to the Rain God and pray that he brings them rain for their crops, then after a few drops… “Whoa, hold on now, we didn’t sign on for this - the cabbages have had enough."

And what is my sixty-two year old male Doctor from Sweden supposed to do for me? He may have done a quality job cupping my package and having me cough, but with four hours I can probably catch a flight to Reno to the Bunny Ranch, which would make much more sense.

Loss of semen and erections that never go away. Sounds like a great future to look forward to.

“Dr. Johnson’s Office.”

“Uh, yes, er, is Dr. Johnson there?”

“I’m the receptionist what seems to be the problem sir? I’ll pass the info along to the Doctor.”

“Well Er, we talked earlier, and well you see I have don’t know how to put this but I seem to be experiencing a loss of semen, and now to top it off, I also have a an erection that has lasted for four hours.

“You again - And when did you first notice this sir?”

“Well I was out camping while skeet shooting with my middle aged buddies, and well…”

The End.