Wednesday, November 9, 2011

All The Hip Kids Are Doing It

Welcome to another gut-wrenching, rash-causing, goosebump-reducing edition of the blog. If you find any of it offensive, or unfunny, don't panic; it just probably means you are perfectly fit for society. 
Captions that didn't make the cut...
Finally, I've found my Cuisinart
Getting to second base has never felt so good
Gosh Dangit Maude, I told you to wait to take the photo until my arm was all the way in
So whatta say, we get out of here after this; take a ride up the coast to that little trough you like?

So the 49ers are amazingly 7-1 for the first time since the nineties, thanks to new coach Jim Harbaugh, whose offensive minded approach has turned Alex Smith into a serviceable quarterback. It is incredible it took ownership seven years to finally see that having defensive minded head coaches like Singletary and Nolan teach Smith how to play the position is like a Father trying to teach his daughter, about to hit puberty, how her period works. 

"Ok lets see, I guess you stick this well, golly gee, I'm actually I'm not sure what you do with this..."

"Er... coach, that is actually my turkey sandwich...the football is over there..."

"Right I knew that. Well, next, I'm going to tell you where babies come from..."

Man I wish I could throw a Penn State joke in here... darn moral compass 

When I talk to my Mom on the phone she is always asking me what every noise is in the background, like it is absolutely imperative to the conversation that she know. She can't hear anything I'm actually telling her yet she can hear a hummingbird 200 yards away from me. 

"Whats that sound?"

"Mom I just told you I have three days to live, yet you are focused on that mime across the street who just dropped a pin on velvet. Can we get back to the conversation now? Did I also tell you I just successfully gave birth to twins? Yep first male ever to deliver a baby, they came right out of my ear, it was a medical miracl-"

"What is that banging I hear?"


So even in death this animal is playing...a dead animal. Egregiously redundant, no?

Have any high ranking members of McDonald's corporate ever eaten at their airport restaurant, or perhaps eaten at an airport in general? I guess they figure you're more likely to pay $9 for a big mac than to go back up the wrong way of the security line and have your balls photographed for a second time to see what prices are actually like in the real world.
I'm just picturing the TSA agents drinking a cold one and laughing at an infared picture of my nuts as I order... "Yes as a matter of fact, I will make it a meal deal...$18? Sure, no problem." 


How are all these phenomenal individuals teaching English overseas?

"What happened to Cynthia?"
"She is teaching in Andorra! Isn't that amazing?"
"No it's not actually, since when does she speak Catalan?"
"She doesn't, but she is teaching them English, isn't that wonderful?"
I thought the main component of teaching a language to others is having the ability to communicate with them. Perhaps you just speak English to them for 50 minutes while they all sit there with blank stares? 
"Alright class, please turn to page 55... Class? Class? Why aren't you listening to me? Hello?"
Class (In Catalan) "What the heck is this dumb white girl saying?"

I’m convinced that no matter how diabolically inappropriate an email is, if you add "kind regards," to the end salutation, the recipient will take it as a kind correspondence.

Dear Columbia House,

If you send one more f%cking cd to my house that myself of my girlfriend didn’t order, I will hunt down your CEO, chop off his legs, and then feed them to him while simultaneously shoving a pineapple up his a$$

Kind Regards,


CEO: Hmm… you know what he actually seems like a pretty decent guy. Evelyn, get in here! Do we have any more of those Columbia House tote bags? Can you send one out to this kind chap? Or maybe those pink shirts that say Gorgeous on them for his girlfriend?


Other than that Miss Lincoln, how was the play? Great character development, no?


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