-- (Continued from July 8th)--
Yellow Card # 3 – Offside
I figure offsides is just another attempt by the sport to prevent the one thing that would mak
e the game watchable… Goals. This asinine rule requires a defender to be in between the ball dribbler and the opposing net, even though some eccentric rebel-outcast, wearing an ostentatious neon-yellow shirt, who responds to the handle “Goal-Keeper,” is standing in the center of the goal - right between the ball dribbler and the net. If this rule was instituted in football, Larry Fitzgerald would have to stop running as soon as he accelerated past the strong safety en route to the End zone, giving a defender absolutely no reason to stop a player who gets by him. I mean, why stop at just offsides? How about if a player is able to dribble the soccer ball for at least five yards, Godzilla comes out of the crowd and swallows the player whole? I’m all about 110% or not at all. Let’s just make it absolutely impossible for anyone to score. Why don’t we adjust the size of the goal to the size of an acorn while we’re at it.
I figure offsides is just another attempt by the sport to prevent the one thing that would mak
e the game watchable… Goals. This asinine rule requires a defender to be in between the ball dribbler and the opposing net, even though some eccentric rebel-outcast, wearing an ostentatious neon-yellow shirt, who responds to the handle “Goal-Keeper,” is standing in the center of the goal - right between the ball dribbler and the net. If this rule was instituted in football, Larry Fitzgerald would have to stop running as soon as he accelerated past the strong safety en route to the End zone, giving a defender absolutely no reason to stop a player who gets by him. I mean, why stop at just offsides? How about if a player is able to dribble the soccer ball for at least five yards, Godzilla comes out of the crowd and swallows the player whole? I’m all about 110% or not at all. Let’s just make it absolutely impossible for anyone to score. Why don’t we adjust the size of the goal to the size of an acorn while we’re at it. Yellow Card # 4 – The Zebra
There are leaders of small countries with less power and control than a referee in a soccer game. Referees are mere mortals, not Egyptian Gods with absolute rule of the land, so
why are they given the authority to significantly affect the outcome of the game? The head referee covers a field that is roughly 120 yards by 80 yards. This provides enough space for the entire population of Uruguay to fit inside comfortably, so I do revel in the fact that these guys are in tremendous shape, however a Cheetah could cover just as much ground with the same officiating results. This aspect makes soccer the only sport that could be officiated more effectively from my parent’s basement while in my underwear than from the field itself. With no instant replay, official game clock, or accountability for anything, a novice in his or her undergarments 9,000 miles away can do a better job calling a game. This could work for other sports too, but I certainly wouldn’t want John McEnroe yelling at me even through a Skype connection…
There are leaders of small countries with less power and control than a referee in a soccer game. Referees are mere mortals, not Egyptian Gods with absolute rule of the land, so
why are they given the authority to significantly affect the outcome of the game? The head referee covers a field that is roughly 120 yards by 80 yards. This provides enough space for the entire population of Uruguay to fit inside comfortably, so I do revel in the fact that these guys are in tremendous shape, however a Cheetah could cover just as much ground with the same officiating results. This aspect makes soccer the only sport that could be officiated more effectively from my parent’s basement while in my underwear than from the field itself. With no instant replay, official game clock, or accountability for anything, a novice in his or her undergarments 9,000 miles away can do a better job calling a game. This could work for other sports too, but I certainly wouldn’t want John McEnroe yelling at me even through a Skype connection…Yellow Card #4A – Extra Time?
Just when we think the referee controls all that they can in the game, we’ve given them power to add extra time or “injury time,” as they call it, onto the end of the game. Lest we not forget no player actually gets injured in soccer (see tomorrow’s blog, card #8, 2nd verse, line 11), they only whine about it, so why do we need to add time onto the end? Or, even more importantly, we have something called electricity now, which can effectively start and stop the game clock if there are actual injuries. (Thanks Thomas Edison!) I know it puts the official scorekeeper in quite the tizzy to have to press a button to stop the clock, and then perform yet another daunting task when play resumes having to press that button again. Can we maybe try it just once, instead of the incongruous estimates kept mostly by the head ref on his Casio?
Instead a country’s fate relies on about the same ballpark guess as to how long one should cook their chicken quesadilla. “Johnson how much injury time?” “Er, let’s see, carry the one, add the beans…give it another few minutes, make sure its brown on the bottom…” “Johnson, I meant the game…” “Oh…yeah a few minutes sounds about right for that too, why not?… Ok, to be honest I have no clue…”
This reminds me of when I used to play tackle football against myself when I was six (yes, I didn’t get out much). Sure the Browns may have kicked a game winning field goal with time running out to defeat New York, but I was the one who controlled both sides and was tackling myself. (Again, didn’t get out much). Isn’t that what a ref is doing…? “Hmm… Hold on… Let’s see if Nigeria can slip one in here, er, give it a few more minutes…”
Yellow Card # 5 Power kicks over goal 
This has got to be one of the most frustrating parts of the game. A skilled professional, someone the very best in their sport, can still blow a wide open shot on goal… and they often do. The problem is, the opportunities are so few and far between, they are likely in complete shock they have a chance to score and end up blasting the ball not only just over the goal, but way over and into the stands, when all they had to do is finesse it past the goalkeeper. It is like waiting your whole life to sleep with Carmen Elektra, and then right at the opportune moment your zipper is stuck…
This has got to be one of the most frustrating parts of the game. A skilled professional, someone the very best in their sport, can still blow a wide open shot on goal… and they often do. The problem is, the opportunities are so few and far between, they are likely in complete shock they have a chance to score and end up blasting the ball not only just over the goal, but way over and into the stands, when all they had to do is finesse it past the goalkeeper. It is like waiting your whole life to sleep with Carmen Elektra, and then right at the opportune moment your zipper is stuck…
Son of a…
Check back tomorrow for the finale of this series... you can read all blogs and subscribe to the subscription list at : http://stevemcdevitt.blogspot.com/
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