Just like the media gets giddy for the first birth of the new year, the first murder in Oakland (usually two seconds after midnight), or first crotch shot of Lindsay Lohan, the staff here at Shenanigans have elatedly awaited the first asinine comings and goings of 2010 to hit newsstands. With each dedicated employee seething with incongruent, non-creative musings, it has been decided that the New Year would start out with not just one debaucherous delicacy, but a four part edition of nonsensicalness to get things started out on the wrong foot. Readers, hold onto your Taylor Lautner lunch pails ; this is only the first of four excerpts guaranteed to make you ask more with each edition ; why am I reading this wretched babble?
Settling back in after a holiday is never easy, but the staff is always determined at the very least to hit the ground drooling and sputtering. The first order of business after having to sneak through the electrical closet after the office locks had been purposely changed and tiptoe past the receptionist to avoid further complicating a pending restraining order, was to check the voicemail system. Unfortunately, as expected, it was not overflowing with ebullient fans requesting a 2009 yearbook of Shenanigans, so we felt positive that our E-mail inboxes would be littered with jovial notes from loyal fans dying to know what was next for the #8891st ranked blog on the internet. There, strategically delivered between a Cialis Advertisement and an email from a Swedish exchange student/male escort, I saw it:
Re : Blog.
It was from a real fan.
“Gay Proctologists? Number 2 pencils?? So. Carolina Gamecocks material??? Did the mother-load of bad comedians break down in front of your house recently & you've been forced to provide them food & shelter in exchange for their 'quality' material?”
Alas, this humbling e-mail, less entertaining than the blog itself, if one can even fathom, was from none other than Pleasanton’s own, Johnny P. Before him, idolized prominent figures shortened their names. First there was JFK who used three. Then LC from “The Hills,” took it to where JFK could not, but this beloved icon needs just one letter to gain the respect of thousands. He is known in the cross-dressing community, Hasselhoffisahottie.com chat rooms, and “I’m a Fan of the blonde Backstreet Boy,” on Facebook, simply as “P.” (Well, actually we just received word that on Hasselhoff’s chat room his handle is actually ticklemyhoff69 - sorry folks, but everywhere else it is P)…
On one hand Shenanigan’s popularity has grown substantially (fan base of 1 in 2008, up to 3 1/3 in 2009), but on the other hand, insatiable fans like P, continue to demand more, no longer willing to settle for stories of unmoving tales about locker rooms, sexual innuendos regarding the whale community and fabricated fables about exhumed latex products discovered on jogs. Sure, it is a mere cross to bare, a small price to pay…
“A victim of their own success? Seriously? Get that thing out of my face, you loser…Officer! No I don’t know why it is called a Sperm Whale, Officer, this guy is scaring me,” one critic screamed, when asked, or confronted rather about the blog…
Ok...And now to the write up…
2009 was a year up and down like a toilet seat, and like an ESPN employee illegally video peeping sexy reporter Erin Andrews, I had to constantly stay on my toes. The most significant event, other than finally discovering that, Every Kiss does not begin with Kay, it begins with a couple Washington Apple shots, a dash of exposed nipple, and a hearty music diet of Barry Manilow, was turning thirty. Fortunately for the hit tracker on my blog website, which in turn generates negative $11 every month, you’ll have to check back to read more… you may even want to subscribe so you will be notified, like for example just when you sit down to dinner and prefer to be left alone, just got snuggled in that new Snuggie or have just enough battery on your phone for this email to come through when you were waiting for your new special someone to sext (sex text) you, that a new blog has been released. (All the hip kids are doing so at : http://stevemcdevitt.blogspot.com/)
In the meantime take a few moments to reflect on your 2009; maybe even with a nice cup of coffee at Starbucks. While there you can try to figure out who in God’s name is buying the warm Ethos waters for two dollars when they offer cold water in a perfectly good fountain or cup of ice water for free…
To be continued... ...
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