"Shenanigans Volume V"

...Halloween has come and gone yet again, and with each year female costumes become more scandalous. At one point, many years ago, like 1996, Halloween featured costumes like ghosts, witches and goblins, but today, those have given way to basically just one costume; a slut. The great thing about Halloween is it gives every single girl one night to give it their best shot at slutting (not a word) it up free of dress codes, pre-judgment and dirty looks from other girls (might have to double check on this one but I think you catch the drift). I also think I figured out how girls come up with their costume ideas. First they think of an animal, object, phrase, movie, etc. and then just add slut to the beginning. (Some may try to add Sexy, but they're not fooling us). For example, a police officer becomes slutty police officer; an astronaut becomes slutty astronaut and, Lindsey Lohan...well actually that is already a complete costume. You can even turn a garbage lady into a sexy garbage lady. Peel off a sleeve, pop up some cleavage and there you have it. There is one caveat for guys out there however - this also means that if you meet a girl on Halloween, she is probably putting forth her best possible attractiveness, so you are in for a shock when the cat woman you met is dressed in khaki pants and a long sleeve shirt on your first actual date. Wait a second, where is the outfit, this is bullsh*t...

...While shopping for my metal band costume, I came across a startling realization - there were people actually shopping for the same items as myself; except they were for every day use. These stores sell these items year round, and while their inventory of fishnet shirts were run through faster than normal due to myself, people are actually buying and wearing this stuff the other 364 days of the year. Amazing...

And now to the normal gibberish and far from useful forthcomings in no particular organizational order or relevance...

...Guitar hero is finally taking over our lives. The recent phenomenon which allows every uncoordinated and musically inept person to jam to a variety of rock tunes without causing glass to shatter is taking over the universe. In the past hopeful guys used to be able to entice beautiful woman over to their place with alcohol, views of the ocean, and the new Barry Manilow record, but when I attempted those three items last week I received a "Do you have guitar hero," in return. "No but I do have College Football 2006," I responded helplessly. The girl took her own cab home. Another girl was explaining to me the chords of a Whitesnake song and I was interested because a girl who knows how to play the guitar is always a plus for me. "It goes green, yellow twice and then red," she explained. "Actually I think it's a g-chord," I responded. "What's that?" was her answer, thinking that guitar hero was how real songs are made...

...I thought the best benefit about being homosexual was that you didn't have to do all the lame girlfriend things like watch Sex & The City repeatedly, frequent Bed Bath & Beyond every other Tuesday and most of all hold hands at all hours of the day. But what I've witnessed in San Francisco is nothing short of the complete opposite! There are gay guys holding hands everywhere, and making out! Most straight guys would be repulsed at the sight, but that is not why I'm outraged. I'm upset that after all they've been through, taking the audacious step of being open with their sexuality and then they don't even get to reap the benefits! I thought you didn't have to do all that relationship stuff anymore- make out in public, hold hands, etc...I thought it was just a wham, bam, thank you Man...

...The other night while walking back from getting food a boisterous, drunken gentleman was stumbling down the street yelling loudly into his cell phone. The conversation seemed to be getting very heated as this slosh was yelling expletives repeatedly and calling the recipient on the other end a "F'n Homo." "You're a homo," he un-jovially sputtered into the mouthpiece of the phone. "It must be a bad breakup," I quietly suggested to my friend. She agreed and just as we made an attempt to dodge the inebriated stumbler we heard the root cause of his contempt. "You're a homo, you picked up Brady Quinn you homo" - right...it all made sense now. Even in my fantasy football addicted state I thought this might have been a bit flippant. Calling out your friend, his wife, his mother and his nine sisters, suggesting what twisted sexual acts you'd like them to partake in on the Yahoo Sports message board is one thing, but accusing your friend of being an expletive homo on the streets of San Francisco loud enough for half the city to hear because he was the first to grab Brady Quinn off the waiver wire? That is crossing the line my friend...Or is it? I just checked Quinn's line from last Monday and it was pretty good, I'm not going to lie...